ENGINE's Official Super Bowl XLIV Guide for Casual Sports Fans

You’re going to a Super Bowl party Sunday night, but you have no idea which of these two teams Eli Manning plays for. Don’t worry; we’ve got your entire Super Bowl fan pack right here.

What snack should I bring?

Buffalo chicken dip, a dip made of buffalo chicken. Next question.

I’m not from Louisiana or Indiana. I’m from somewhere like Canada, Pakistan, or Nigeria. Who should I root for/against?

America is rooting for the Saints, but thinks the Colts will win. But you’d like a little more than that before you make a choice this critical.

You should root against the Colts because Peyton Manning is obnoxious. Also, the NFL says you can’t root for the Saints. Screw the NFL! You’re rooting for the Saints!

You should root against the Saints because head coach Sean Payton is obnoxious. Also, a Louisiana high school principal says you can’t root for the Colts. Screw that Louisiana high school principal! You’re rooting for the Colts!

Tough, tough call.

OK, blah blah blah. Which team is the fun team?

Saints celebrations look like this:

While Colts celebrations look like this:

I hear The Who is playing the halftime show.

Here are the four best Super Bowl halftime shows ever. All of them are much better than The Who will be:

4. Diana Ross, 1996: A medley of 534 #1 hits, plus exit stage helicopter, in ten minutes? Why not!
3. Michael Jackson, 1993: Remember — as MJ stood still for what felt like minutes, worldwide TV ratings were going up. And then the show started.
2. Prince, 2007: “Purple Rain,” performed in rain that is purple.
1. U2, 2002: Perfect. U2 fulfilled their obligations as a band with this show, but sadly decided to stick around anyway.

What about the commercials?

We agree; it’s sad that so many people care about Super Bowl commercials.

Who’s gonna win?

First, decide which you trust the most… Math, machines, or middle-aged men?

• Math: Football Outsiders, the nerdiest of all football stat sites, have crunched one million pounds of equations to determine… it’s a toss-up.
• Machines: Madden 2010 likes the Saints — and, believe it or not, Madden is almost always right when it comes to predicting Super Bowls.
• Middle-aged men: Almost all the self-declared experts are picking the Colts to win.

Also, predictions by Colts fans and Saints fans. (May not be objective.)

No really, what about the commercials?

Here’s a Google search for best super bowl commercials ever.

Wholehearted Super Bowl rap songs made by white fans?

Colts:

 Saints:

Give me some trivia to try out.

• Celebrity picks! Maya Angelou and Bill O’Reilly agree: Colts win. Hulk Hogan and Roseanne find common ground in the Saints.
• The 2009 All-Unwanted All-Pros: players who are really good despite nobody thinking they’d ever be any good.
• How Super Bowl gambling works
• Sports video games are changing sports: “It’s one thing to suggest that videogames may be making us smarter. It’s another thing altogether to say they might be making us better athletes.”
• The odds of a single cow’s leather being used for a Super Bowl football: 1-in-17,420,000.

And if you really want to impress, tear into the NFL’s gigantic new Hulu presence, featuring videos of like everything ever.

Will the announcers talk about anything besides the dumb game?

Oh good lord yes.

• As you may have heard, the Saints are from New Orleans. Also, Colts receiver Pierre Garcon is from Haiti.
• Colts quarterback Peyton Manning’s dad, Archie, played for the Saints, and the Manning family is from Louisiana.
• Saints running back Reggie Bush is dating famous celebrity Kim Kardashian.
• Is Peyton Manning the best quarterback ever?
• Some more about New Orleans.
• Some players are hurt, but will play anyway.

Give me something to complain about that nobody else will be complaining about.

When players list their alma maters during introductions, many of them haven’t actually graduated. GET OFF MY LAWN.

What happens after the game ends?

Regular-season basketball.